Discipline

"One more chance! Please, one more chance!" my daughter begs. I had informed her that because she disobeyed, we were not going to play at the Lake. So, we marched right back to the car we had just got out of. With an audience of strangers, and a few of my friends watching as we drove away. As this scene was unfolding my feeling were a mix between embarrassment & sadness. I knew my daughter had been looking forward to playing with her friend but, I had already given her enough chances. I had to stay strong. I couldn't go back on my word. I knew how important it was to teach my daughter that in life we all need to obey authority.

God is my Father and, I am His daughter. Just as  I want my children to succeed, so does He!  God is fully aware of what is best for me. He is not trying to be a Buzz-kill, or as my son would say "your just being mean!" . God has left me a book full of teachings to apply to my life. I know I have areas were I need to be obedient. This is my struggle.

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Insecure

Fighting the enemy. I'm feeling a little defeated this morning. That usually means something great is in store.  Surprise, surprise the enemy is trying to stop it. Sitting here having a pity party. Questioning myself. Can I  truly do this? Do they honestly like me, or am  I  just another ministry?


 I surrender my doubts! No, everything I have said lately isn't perfect. I might have offended or bothered someone, I am human. I don't need to know  what someone else's motives are. The only motives I am responsible for are my own. Thankful for God's grace. I need to focus on what He has called me do. Let my insecurities go & just embrace Julia.


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Purpose

Do I have a purpose? Hmm.. I would like to think so. I provide for my family. I teach & train my children. I provide warm meals & a cozy house for my husband. I have a shoulder to cry on for my friends. Isn't this why I was created? To provide? Today after reading a few chapters in multiply (by Francis Chan) I started to do a life check. Hard working mom, check. Loving wife, check.Serving others, check. Serve at church, check. Read my bible & pray, check.


Francis Chan uses the Bible to challenge me to look deeper. To re-evaluate my life. To make sure I am doing all I was created to do. To do every thing motivated by love. To truly answer Jesus' call. To not just be a consumer Christian. To not stand on the side lines while my Pastor does all the work. To get out there, & get my hands dirty. No looking back, without doubt, without worry. Jesus called me to tell others His story. This is my Struggle!



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Children

I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord.. I am humming that now. Tonight I am thankful that my children have a heavenly Father. I blow it as a parent all too often. Unfortunately, there is not a rewind button. I use shame & guilt instead of love. I make excuses or try to justify my short comings.

God has once again shown me something new. That He can use my children to help me grow. If I am willing to learn, they can teach me patience, self control, discipline, how to slow down, & even see things from a different perspective. Next time I'm busy, & my daughter needs me I pray that I practice patience. When I am running late because of my son instead of yelling "hurry" , I pray I practice self control. When my daughter wants to eat ice cream for the 2nd time in the same day, I pray I practice discipline. I need to ask what is my Heavenly Father trying to teach me about myself through my family? This is my struggle.

Quality

Lately, I think God has been trying to get across "It is not about numbers." I think the light went on last night "quality, not quantity". Whether I am checking on my blog, or who signed up for the parenting class, I need to TRUST Him. If I told my husband I trusted him to pick up the groceries, what would showing my faith in him look like? I could make the list, go over the details, & maybe even call him if I forgot something, but after giving instructions it would then be up to him to do his part. Worrying, reminding him to go, or checking up on him while he was there would not make him feel trusted. I know personally how it makes me feel when I am assigned a task, & the individual lacks to show faith in me to complete it.


I get in the way. My human nature enjoys success, and at the first sign of failure I doubt myself. I don't see the effect or the result I want or expect, which makes me want to stop, or walk away. When really what I should do is have faith. I need to not  let doubt get in the way of God's plan for me. I need to be cautious what I measure my success by. I may spend my whole life only reaching a few people, but if that is God's plan then so be it!

Heaven

The question today was if you could spend some time talking with Jesus what would you want to talk about? My answer is heaven. I feel there are a few things in the Bible my finite mind can not comprehend. The one I find myself contemplating the most is heaven. I enjoy being a mom & wife immensely. I love cooking new things! How is that going to change in eternity?

We can discuss how we think it is going to be, but it comes down to speculation & interpretation. There is not a section just on how heaven will be in the Bible. As a person who prefers clear answers  this is tough. I know , I know, trust in the Lord ( working on it). I get the whole "you don't need all the answers", but that doesn't make it any easier. 

What does help ease my mind, is thinking that if this is the bad version of heaven, then it will be a most awesome place. Yes here on earth there is crime, disease, death, etc, but what about all the great things. Just turn on discovery channel or animal planet. If this is just our temporary home imagine the magnitude of our permanent home. Feeling better now, good pep talk.

Sickness

I know when someone starts talking to me about lice my head starts to itch. Do I really have lice? No, but maybe I imagine what it would be like, or even convince myself I do. All to often I let the aliments of those around me affect me more then I should. This is part of being sensitive & caring. I want to help everyone be as healthy as possible. I can make a bigger impact in those around me if I am being an example, rather then only explaining how to improve the quality of life.  It is time I re-analyze what might be making me sick. Is it too much TV? Gossip? Food?

I decided the other day that I was going to make a conscious choice to be healthy. I was not going to take up a torch every time some else was going through something unhealthy. Whether it is a physical or mental issue I need to do what I can, & then take a step back, so as not to get myself sick. I am not a Dr. , & I did not go to medical school. I am though in contact with the great physician through prayer. I can bring it to Him, but then I need to walk away. As insensitive as this sounds if I am unhealthy, then who will take care of the sick. It is my duty to try to stay healthy. I need to start being proactive. This is my struggle.

Assuming

As my daughter's knee hits the pavement, I come to comfort her. I quickly get an ice pack, and wipe away her tears. My friend comforts her by asking if she would like a cupcake. "Yes,chocolate please." Moments later I return with her cupcake. Not knowing she would like rainbow sprinkles. That starts more tears. As more party guests come outside, the scene is set.

A sweet little girl, who is crying, faced away from the party, & with no other children by her.

I imagine what I would assume. I am after all an expert Assumerologist. The facts- I faced her away from the party so the sun wouldn't be in her eyes. She is by herself because she needed an extra chair to prop up her knee. She was crying about her cupcake not because I was depriving her of one, but I was not giving into her demands. I had after all brought the cupcake with the wrong sprinkles. I was trying to not encourage ungratefulness.

How often I'm the bystander without all the facts. Assuming I know what is going. I come a upon a situation, automatically my brain fills in the gaps. This is another product of my human nature. I need to re-train myself to get the facts before making an assessment.

God says "Treat others as you would like to be treated.... Show love to one another."    

LOVE-

patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 

Endurance

I have a peek into what our Creator deals with on a regular basis. Watching someone you care about go blindly down a road with a dead end or destruction lurking just up ahead. Frustrating as it is not being able to show them what lies in wait. On the human side I think back to my days of trudging  forward only to "not" find what I was certain was there.

Having my son at 17yrs old. Having people warn me of the hardship ahead. Embracing it whether it was right or wrong, but knowing occasionally it just is what it is. So thankful all things work together for my good. Sometimes there are no words that can change my course. My mind is set, and I go forward. I'm struggling with just patiently enduring as people go in a different direction . I'm doing my best to wait lovingly on the sides lines like God does for me when I am lost, and I don't know it. Rule number 2 in our family is you can't control other people. My prayer is that God will direct my path so I will not get lost, and thankful when I do He will be there for me always.

Identity

The other day while walking, I was listening to Mark Driscoll' s pod cast on the book of Esther. During his sermon he asked the question, "If someone asked you to explain your identity in Christ what would you say?" Hmmm, I knew my identity was found in Christ after I was saved, but what did that truly mean to me? If asked by a friend could I reply without sounding lost? I challenged myself to not only have an answer, but one I whole heartily believed in. I mean I should know this right? Growing up in church, I felt this should be easy. Honestly, at first it wasn't.

Later, I prayed God would show me the answers I was seeking. So, this morning I went where everyone who has questions goes, to Google of course. Where I was kindly guided to the Bible. As the definitions poured in, I started to get it. I had an Aha! moment. One analogy I will share is the vision of someone who goes on a diet, and you see the before/after pictures. I enjoyed the website www.myredeemer.org .

While out shopping I had another "Aha!" moment. I remembered a recent conversation with some friends. Someone had recognized me from high school. They had said I was "different" then. Man, that is the understatement of the century. This is not the first time I heard this. I may have even been the poster child for someone your parents would tell you not to hang out with.

I then thought back to Pastor Mark's sermon where he stated a conversation he had the other day.  A woman from his congregation had said "Pastor what I have been through might explain me, but it does not define who I am." Oh yeah, my past doesn't define me.

- It is not where I am from, or where I am right now that I should judge myself by, but where I am going. I have a new identity in Christ!(quote from Mark Driscoll)

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I'm Sorry

I have challenged myself to write everyday... but what I am struggling with is messy. Relationships! Now those of you who know me are going to automatically think back to the last conversation or interaction we had and wonder "Is she talking about me." It would be easier if I could shout from the mountain top who, that way no is left wondering. It is me, I'm talking about myself.


Someone I care deeply about has been hurt by my actions.  My human nature wants me to prove my motives, show that I am right, & explain myself until I am  blue in the face. Is that what truly matters? At the end of the day is being "right" that important to me that I lose out, miss opportunities? Telling someone I am sorry for hurting them can change things, make a difference. Often I get empowered to make a difference. I want to change lives! Heal the sick, feed the home less, house the orphans. Yet I fail to see that two words can improve someone' s life. I hesitate to say them. I need to say I'm sorry. This is my struggle!

Sensitivity

"Sensitivity" cringe, at least I did any time someone would use this word to reference me. "Oh, don't be so sensitive!" or " You are too sensitive!" I started believing it after a while. "They are right, how could I be so sensitive. Man, I need to sit down, and find ways to work on this." In my mind I let sensitive = personality flaw.

One day the light bulb went on. More then likely in church. "God made me this way." Not only that, but he made me this way for a reason. Being sensitive is a great attribute! I can sense things in other people that someone who is isn't "so" sensitive can't. It is my emotion metal detector. It is a great tool. I am less likely to offend, and more likely to encourage. I am striving to embrace my special gift, and use it the way God intended me too. The next time someone calls me sensitive I am going to try to reply "Yes I am, but God me this way for a reason."

God' s will in my life

Not everything is God's will, but everything is used for God's will. - Mark Driscoll. As I wrap my mind around this I think back to this past summer. On June 15 2012, there is a fire in our home.  Arson? Faulty wiring? The lithium battery we plugged in before we went to Sea World? This is one of those moments in my life where I don't think I will ever have a definite answer. I spent time mulling over all the facts, and there is just not a clear picture. I like things that make sense! I really need answers. The letter from the fire inspector & police report does not line up. What next? Do I take up a torch, get out there, and start questioning my neighbors. I mean some of my neighbors truly believed that someone had come in & started it.

I went to the CEO of our company, my husband that is. He encouraged me to let go. He could see it was starting to consume me. I could have carried that touch around until someone gave me the answers I so desperately wanted. I gave it to God, and He gave me peace. Not only that, He gave us a place to stay, and all the necessities we needed. He provided so much through the people around us. It was a time that I truly experienced what relying on God means. That changed me.

                           He didn't cause this...

but He did cause this...

My Own Worse Enemy

We have met the enemy and He is us- Walt Kelly. What a concept, am I my own worst enemy? This is after I spent over an hour analyzing a previous conversation. You think that hour could have been spent doing something more constructive?? But hey, I am all about self-improvement. I spend an unnecessary time recapping word for word my dialogue with other people. I am starting to think this could be a social flaw. Was I rude? Did I say something offensive? The list goes on.  My heart is in the right place, but I am not sure that this is a productive habit. I have a desire to do the right thing, to be liked, to show people Christ-like love...

The pressure is on. It is Sunday morning. I will be serving in the 2 yr old class  room. This is where God has gifted me, but knowing this is only half the battle. Showtime, the parents start to arrive. Some faces are familiar, others are new. Smile, this is church. On the inside I love to smile, but fear of rejection & failure are just hanging at the door. I want to do my best. I want these families to see confidence in my face so they can go to service, and be feed by the word of God. A wise of friend of mine once said to me, "I am getting comfortable with being uncomfortable." Wow, that is my new mental motto. I can let go, and trust God. Sometimes Most of the time it is easier said then done. This is my struggle...


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Stepping off The Cliff

As I sit on my couch, watching Surviving the Cut with my husband. I am in awe of these men & women who are trying to graduate "Sapper" school. Their task at hand is a "front face repel"... yes face first down a 30 foot drop, one handed. After that little bump in the road they trudge on to a 200 foot cliff to attempt the "buddy repel" This is where a man is strapped to their back, and  they have to repel back first. Can you say intense! With their drill sergeants yelling orders... of course meant to encourage & direct them. They freeze up in fear. "If" they overcome & succeed, not only will they reach their goal, but their sense of purpose & accomplishment will be immense.

I find it fitting that my first post would be military related. I am also on a journey preparing for battle. As of now mine doesn't involve rock climbing gear & Sniper Rifles, but it does involve doing things that scare me. Frightfully, I peer over the edge that I am attempting to conquer. Right then my fear of failure creeps in, & I want to give up. Only my scenery looks more like a church lobby with people I don't know, not the rough, jagged wall of a moutain. Sometimes it is a text message asking me to lead bible study. This week it was starting a women's volleyball team. Now it is my computer as I attempt to write my first blog. Momentarily,  I hear "will anyone show up? will I remember how to play? Will they like me? Is this really what I should be doing"... just beckoning me to give up. Thankfully my drill Sergeant is loud as He commands me. He wants me to step off the cliff, take a chance, trust His ropes, and do something that doesn't quite feel comfortable. He doesn't rudely shout, but lovingly hollers. I know the rewards that can come with each step I take, but I still hold on tight, not relinquishing the control I so desperately want, & pretend I have. Tonight I step off the cliff.