Pain

I see these cute little quotes plastered all over spacebook "The Past is the past, today is the present...blah,blah,blah... some one hurts you, you are better off without them.. blah, blah, blah"

Don't get me wrong I'm a professional "like" clicker, and do my part sharing the latest post...but if I truly pick apart these inspirational sayings, that might make me feel good in the moment, what I am really saying is "Great I will take my "present" to a desert island & live all alone. Yeah! I mean I am the victim here! I am so perfect! Everyone else is the problem."    >>insert LOL here<<

Really? Anyone living on planet earth has been hurt by someone, AND anyone living on this planet has hurt SOMEONE. Lets say it together.. just in case "I am Sorry."

When I am hurt will I wallow in my sorrow, stay a victim? What will truly help my pain?

Realizing I can learn from it, that I can "DO" something about it, & finding hope I-N making a  positive difference in those around me.

 (Yes, that was kind of like one of those quotes from the the web, my apologies. Here comes another one.)

Hurt people, hurt people, say it again.... H-U-R-T people HURT people

I want to be a loving mate, better parent, more attentive friend...

I am not trying to be better then everyone else, just the best possible me. As a veteran from the war of pain, my new mantra is- Treat others how I want to be treated, and if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all.

 I will not be able to accomplish this on my own. I am seeking the Lord, asking Him to show me my blind spots. Help me forgive those who wound me, and help me to set healthy boundaries in my co-dependent world. This requires opening up His word. Not only that but I have to be willing to accept His grace when I don't meet these expectations I am placing on myself. This is my struggle.

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Eating Chocolate on the Tread Mill

The days draw on as I continue to stop by my blog. I stare at the screen wondering if I will ever update it? I am still writing on a regular basis, but my energy has been directed towards my book. I have a solid outline, 21 chapters under my belt, with 7 more to go. I will then spend months reviewing & revising until my head hurts. The best description for my book is a "B" rated Christian fiction Narnia meets Princess bride, set in Medieval Time, filled with love, heart break, and redemption.

Eating chocolate on the tread mill? Yes, that about sums up how I feel lately. I find my days becoming counter productive. How to get ahead? I plan it out well before hand, but as the day draws on I am only completing half my tasks. Part of me thinks with the end of the school year approaching I have Summer fever. Well, I don't like it one bit. Maybe I need a vacation? Is that the answer?

I think I need more God and less me. I will not settle for half done days.

Knowing the way to exercise is not going to help me lose weight if I eat on the tread mill!

I am thankful God puts up with me as I wander in the desert... again.

I compare it to understanding who God is, what he has done for me, but lacking in the ever important relationship. Now I know we all go through seasons. Over the years me & God have become closer, but lately I find myself running to the phone instead of getting on my knees. Or Turning on Netflix when really I should open my bible. As I eat my chocolate, the relief it gives me is only temporary. Really, it is doing more damage then good. This is my struggle.





Image from the movie "The Switch"

Where am I weak

I was feeling uneasy this morning. Fear of failure plagued me. My first year of being a full-time home school Mom was coming to a close. Part of me wanted to jump online and spend hours looking over the California 1st grade standards for reassurance. I thought "don't panic, you can have a last minute cram session?!?" Just as I was starting to hyperventilate the Spirit stepped in and covered me with a sense of comfort. Thoughts of the past year started to spring up in my mind....

God comforted

It was September 2012. Just a few months prior our home was devastated by fire. No longer having a place to live, we moved into an RV on the side of my Sister's house. The school year was only a few weeks away when I voiced my concerns."Honey, in the midst of the Summer heat, attempting to buy a house, & replacing practically everything we own, I'm thinking home school might not be our best option."  He disagreed. As hard as it was to move forward, I was sure God had placed Dave as the leader for a reason. 

I trusted them

Our first few weeks of school took place in that RV. Having not enrolled on time, we had yet to receive our workbooks. Improvising, I hopped on the web to print out work sheets. We studied Hawaii. Cut out flowers. Painted pictures. Skip counted. Overall, we had a great time learning, and those beginning days will always have a special place in my heart. 

God provided

We our currently in our own home. Pictures are hung on the wall. The closets are over flowing with clothes. We adopted a precious kitten we named Roxy, and Emily impresses us daily with her ever improving reading skills.

God fills in the gaps

God hollered "Give yourself grace Julia. Your family has been down a rough road this year. The kids are doing better then you think. Don't be your worst critic. Satan would love for you to buy into those lies."

God offers grace



As I was speaking with a friend the other day, she quoted a line from a book she once read, "No matter what type of schooling you choose, your children will end up missing out on something."

I can only do so much, I am not Jesus. This is my struggle.

Joel 2:25

And I will restore to you the years the swarming locusts have eaten... 

Image from www.nbcsandiego.com & www.blondeepisodes.com

Choplin

Love.Me.Some.Piano. Enjoying my husband playing it now. Soothing. Day of distractions, but not in a bad way. Just not what I had planned. I worked at the Pregnancy Care Clinic for the first time yesterday. I felt surprisingly calm. I thought "Well God, if you want me here you will help me figure out the details." Exhale

That being said, I can slightly still feel the weight on my shoulders. I am after all answering the phone with a potentially client on the other line. You think "hey I am just the receptionist", but truly I might be the first encounter someone is having with the clinic. As cool of a thought as that is, I am going to have to rely on the Spirit to guide me. I thankfully am equipped with the gift of sensitivity. I can usually gauge pretty well how someone is feeling.

I also started writing a book yesterday. I am excited to see where it is going to go. I know it is going to be an insane amount of time & energy, but I am still going to move forward. My husband's initial response was you are going to need a catchy author name, for marketing of course. Ultimately he believes in me, and that is what matters most. Pray for me as I enter this new endeavor. I don't want to neglect other areas of my life as I take on more. I know there are still areas I could give up more time, i.e. TV & FB. This is my struggle.



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Empower

Over the past few weeks I have found myself being more critical then usual. I was reading an article on drama when I felt convicted. As part of the body of Christ I need to focus more on strengths. I dislike the word critical, and hope when others think of me that will never be the word that comes to mind. I know first hand being criticized in my endeavors made me more discouraged then empowered.

The Bible has quite a bit to say on our conversation with those around us. Our words start with our thoughts. If I spend time thinking things such as "that was <negative thought>" or "I didn't <negative adjective> that." Then I am setting myself up to be critical. Instead, I need to make a conscious choice to think on the positives I see. Grace, mercy, grace.

 I teach my children if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Yet looking back I can recall conversations that I did just the opposite. I excuse myself with "well they need to know the truth " or better yet "what I think."

Moving forward I'm starting to read a book called Strengths Finder 2.0 by Tim Rath. I am praying that on a regular basis, I will start using my words to empower those around me. This is my struggle.

The Dash " - "

Today I had my interview at the Pregnancy Care Clinic. Everyone I met with was amazing. To be a volunteer in a setting surrounded by fellow Christians is going to be awesome. Not only is it a great cause, but hearing her say it is a God lead program was so encouraging. I am starting out as a receptionist a few hours a week, and I am so excited.

On another note, our family is getting together to celebrate the Resurrection of Christ this Sunday. Last year about this time my Mom was staying with us as she was under going a series of surgeries on her face to remove a large tumor. I wish her battle with cancer was over, but it is not.

Life. Death. This adventure we are on.

We-Are-All-Dying. What will my dash be? You know that little dash " - " between the years. The one etched on many tomb stones "born on" - "died on" What will I be remembered for when I die?

My friend and I were talking the other day, and something she said made me stop & think. She was speaking of a passed loved one, and commented "you know he wasn't bitter, his wife had left but he forgave her." You could tell that was something special she treasures about him.

When my life is recalled by those I leave behind what words will they conjure... Humble? Proud? Bitter? Loving? Hypocrite? Christian?

Honestly, I know in my life I will not always get it right. Until I die, I will not be sinless, but over time I will sin less. I will keep moving forward. I have given my life to Christ. I am not earning my way to heaven. Christ already paid my entry fee. I'm attempting to follow His lead, because I'm forever grateful for the sacrifice he paid for me. Loving God. Loving People. This is my struggle.

Spontaneity

Spring is in full force as my husband works away on the new green house. All the while, I lounge in a chair reading my favorite blog. All of the sudden he looks up, and says " What time is it?" Unbeknownst to me, a window sales man will be arriving at 4 pm. I try to reason with him by stating that if we stay in the back yard, we won't hear the bell, and we can reschedule. The idea of high pressure sales on this beautiful day was unappealing.

Being the honest man my husband is we go inside, and sit through the 1 hour+ presentation. After saying no in 14 different ways, and 10 foreign languages he packs up his windows & leaves. 

Now it was 5:30 pm, and we were both starving. With both kids gone for the evening we opted to eat out. We choose to go to Oggi's, which is our favorite five star pizza joint. They have plenty of patio seating to enjoy the beautiful weather. Our conversation was upbeat with the top funny stories from our week.

After dinner we walked to the local pet store. With a growing algae problem in our pond we decided to pick up some snails. While the girl was bagging up our pets, I was busy trying to convince Dave to push me in the cart. This wasn't the first time, but I have never had any luck convincing him to participate.

After we packed up the groceries in our car, we realized we had to return the cart a ways back to the store. Surprise, Surprise he let me climb in, and he ran it all the way across the parking lot. I felt like a kid again! Over all we had a great day.

I tell this story to share a few things I learned that day. I went along with my husband's plan for the day. I didn't spend a great deal of time making him feel bad for his decision to make the window appointment.

Now being the planner that I am, doing this does not come naturally. It started with a resolve to change my thinking patterns. I know God ultimately wants me to lean on Him, and trust my husband while not solely relying on my own understanding of things. This is my struggle.



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